I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
