oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
