this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
and she was petting her beer can
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
