We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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