my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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