he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
