My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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