that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
