How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
try to milk me bitch
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize