chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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