his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
