Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
