He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
