Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
