Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize