I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I did not marry a roomba.
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