Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
