Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
