Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
