I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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