So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Randomize
