i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
