finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
