Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
