Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize