its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
