Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
