I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
