I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
