dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
