Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
