Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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