If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We have started to decorate penises.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
