my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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