Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
