I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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