just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
MIDGETS
????
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
