woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
