I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
