shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
