ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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