When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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