I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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