at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
