nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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