The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
