how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
