your thong is hanging out like whoa
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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