when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
