recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
