I think I won the penis lottery.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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