god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
