What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
