I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
