just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
