You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
