Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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