Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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