It's a beautiful day for a hangover
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
