I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
