Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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