So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
