Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
