I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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