Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
