and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
