her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize