you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
